Today is my 42nd birthday. My oldest and dearest friend, Lawana is throwing a little birthday party for me. I am so depressed all I really want to do is sleep and sleep...and sleep....
I have gained 60 pounds in the last 3 months. This lupus is kicking my behind! The doctor's have me taking large doses of Prednisone. They keep telling me if I don't take it for now I will die. I choose to live. I look in the mirror and don't recognize myself. Every bone, every joint, every feature on my face...it's like I am not me anymore. I feel soo insecure. This medicine puts so much weight on me. My self-esteem is at an all time low. Something has to give....
Al and I had a long talk on New Year's Eve. We decided to seperate. I knew it was coming, but it still hurts anyway. How do you go from being daughter, sister, wife, mother to being alone? I have known this man over half my life. Am I so insecure I can't make it alone? I have been someone's wife since I was 17 years old. The kids are grown now, the house is empty. I have to find out who I am, find my space, find my piece of the pie....find my peace of mind......
I know it doesn't have to be like this. I know there is something out there that will make me feel better about myself. I know God is good. I know I am happy to be alive...so why do I feel sooo sad??? I guess I better put on my happy face, it's time to go to the party.
....just me...daez
P.S. Lawana cooked a wonderful dinner. She gave me a beautiful study bible. Thank you God for letting me live another day....Amen
